The Ridiculously Simple Survival Book Read online

  “You actually think somebody would answer a rock thrown in their direction if they didn’t answer us back when we hollered?” Joe said peering into the gloom of the country store.

  “No but a rattlesnake might would of, also no telling what folks do when you surprise them with a loud noise. It looks safe enough, just be careful.” Bert said and flicked on his flashlight as they started looking around the emptied store.

  “This thing is pretty picked over.” Joe said looking at empty shelves and racks.

  “Yea nothing is going to be left usable but the tools haven’t been picked over too bad. I got a pack of steel chisels, no hammers though.” Bert said meeting Joe coming up an aisle.

  “Hell I got a hammer in my trunk Bert, I am not totally unprepared I will have you know.” Joe said nervously looking around at the mess in the place, evidently if someone couldn’t use something they had thrown it on the floor or got mad cause the place was empty and just slammed a display down here and there.

  “Come on let’s get out of here.” Bert said and they exited the building.

  “Hey Bert, you remember seeing any store room other than the manager’s office in there?” Joe said pointing at what evidently was a building extension in the back of the building.

  “No I thought those were the outside bathrooms maybe attached to this place.” Bert said eying the construction.

  “No this place don’t have public restrooms, I asked once when I came in here. Let’s go check it out.” Joe said closing his car door and walking with Bert in that direction.

  “No doors on this side, if there is a backdoor it’s on the other side.” Bert said before walking its length and going around the corner.

  “OH HELL NO!” Bert exclaimed as Joe rounded the corner and stopped in shock as he saw the remains of three men that had evidently been rotting in the sun for a few months.

  “Looks to me like we had us a deadly failure to communicate moment. That guy closest to the door looks like he shot them and they shot him or vice versa and they all died on the spot.” Joe said surveying the gruesome evidence and the rusted weapons laying on the ground with the twisted bodies.

  “That’s just plain… well nasty… Yuck!” Joe said horrified at the skeletonized bodies that still had some meat on their bones.

  “Might be the reason this door is still locked up tight.” Bert said eying the storerooms entrance.

  “I will go get the tire tool and my hammer.” Joe said starting back to his car.

  “I would bet that guy that had the shotgun lying in front of that door had the keys to this place but I am not looking in what remains of his pants pockets for them.” Bert said noting the man had nothing around him but the rusty shotgun and the other two were evidently carrying scavenging equipment.

  “If you go kick the body and hear a jingle I will flip you for who gets to fish them out of his pocket.” Joe said skeptically.

  “They will probably be too rusted to do any good, these folks been dead some time.” Bert said wanting nothing to do with the corpse remains.

  “All Hell I will do it. Let me go get my tire tool and a garbage bag I can use for a glove and I will be back in a minute.” Joe said leaving Bert to shudder and look away from the grisly remains.

  Joe came back and got lucky, there were a set of keys in the pockets of a torn and stained camo shirt the man had been wearing along with a handful of shotgun shells.

  “Would these still be any good after being in the weather?” Joe asked holding up the unfired shells.

  “Hard to say, they use shotguns for hunting ducks so they might be. Lemme see those keys.” Bert said gingerly reaching for them.

  Bert studied the rusty keysring and noting what might be the key to the door was brass or brass plated told Joe he needed to go back inside the store and get a pencil he saw lying on the floor.

  “What in the world do you want a pencil for?” Joe said rubbing his hand across his pants to remove the invisible dirt that he thought he had on it from rifling around in the dead man’s clothes.

  “You never put graphite in a lock to lubricate it and make it work smoother? I am going to clean the crap off this key with the eraser and then rub some pencil lead on the key.” Bert said explaining his idea.

  “Why don’t you see if it’s the right key first?” Joe offered.

  “Because that lock says Sargent and this is a Sargent key but you are right.” Bert said spitting on the key and cleaning it up best he could before trying it.

  They both breathlessly awaited the results and were rewarded with a click that said the door was now open and grinning hugely they shined their flashlights into the storeroom.

  Evidently the guy was either low on stock or had been carrying off some supplies already because there was not a whole lot on the shelves but there was enough to make their hearts race momentarily.

  Far in the back were sacks of animal feed. It was common in these out of the way country stores to have a small stock of feed for the rural residents in the area and this one was no different. There wasn’t a lot but there were a couple bags of each kind the storeowner knew he could sell and they studied them in amazement and perplexity. Rabbit food, Goat food, Chicken scratch feed, egg laying mash, Feed barley, oats, a bunch of Dog food in giant bags, some cat chow and some sorghum molasses for deer season.

  “What the hell we do with all this Bert?” Joe asked.

  “I dunno but consider this. . . Dry dog food is formulated to contain almost everything you need to live. It’s all going with us. Pull the car around and let’s load up.” Bert said studying the labels.

  “How the hell we going to eat hard dry dog food, Bert? That is even if I could.” Joe said looking squeamish.

  “I don’t have the foggiest notion but we will. What are you worried about at least you aren’t wearing dentures! Tell you what since you are younger and more fit than I am you start loading the car up and I will go collect whatever guns and ammo there is left on the bodies. Those shotgun shells you found got me to thinking and if we are lucky we might get one serviceable weapon out of all that rusted junk out there or do you feel like playing grave robber some more?” Bert asked saying he would rather carry the heavy bags of basically grains and such himself.

  “No, you can go through their pockets, I will start loading this stuff.” Joe said with evident distaste at having to even walk by what looked to him like leftover dead zombies outside the door to get his car over here.

  “Ok then load that egg laying mash last in case we run out of room. It is mostly composed of bone meal and oyster shells and stuff to give the chickens calcium to harden their eggs.” Bert advised as Joe just shook his head at this obscure knowledge and walked out the door with Bert.

  Loading the car took them a little over a half hour and on the way home the conversation remained on what they were going to do with all this stuff.

  “A 40 pound bag of "the good stuff" dog food I am guessing feeds an adult human for about 20 days. Most of this is the cheapest crap you can find with who knows what for fillers but we got a score I would say to at least survive on.” Bert said being realistic.

  “Maybe it won’t taste too bad if we get creative with condiments like ketchup and mustard or mix it into rice if we can sieve it some way out of the animal feed.” Joe suggested knowing there were lots of broken grains of rice in there.

  “Well one appealing aspect of it is going to be more likely to be available and found when all other supermarket food has been exhausted so let’s consider other places to look for more later. We got plenty now and as a bonus we don’t have to get out anywhere for a while unless we just want to. Hey Joe, you know I got a beer making kit at my house that says I get dibs on one of those sacks of Barley.” Bert said chuckling.

  “You’re a piece of work Bert but I am going to share in that project! Wonder how beer on dogfood tastes as cereal? I heard you once say you put beer on cornflakes one time to get over your hangover! I am still not over that! You k
now Bert I think I best break it to the wife you need to move in with us, no sense you being across the road if someone wants to break in one night.” Joe began as he was pulling in his driveway and grimacing as the batty old woman from next door looked out her bay front window holding her toy gun threateningly at the ready.

  “Are you going to offer her some of our cat or dog food” Bert said with a loud knee slapping guffaw and waved at the woman who merely angrily closed her drapes shut at his gesture.

  “I was thinking more on the lines of egg laying mash but we will see.” Joe said with a big smile thinking this was going to be one crazy community to raise kids in. Uncle Bert and Aunt Batty, he didn’t like the sound of that…

  THE END

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  Table of Contents

  The Ridiculously Simple Survival Book

  Ron Foster

  Preface

  1

  Wishing for life as we knew it

  2

  Old Fools And New Schools!

  3

  Messing With The Dead

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